Monologue

Nwoye speaking to Ezinma:

You just do not understand, Ezinma.  You shouldn't have come to beg me to go home.  I won't.  I cannot go back to that place.  I now belong with the missionaries here in Umuofia.  And I know you are shocked.  Me, Nwoye, a soft-hearted coward who never disobeyed anyone finally built up the courage to stand up for myself.  I have never told anyone this but growing up, I knew I was different from the other men here.  I did not act nor thought the way our father did.  In fact, I much preferred the stories mother used to tell us about animals and nature than our father's stories about blood, gore, and war.  At first, I thought this was acceptable.  I mean, what was wrong with a young boy simply being himself?  But soon, I noticed the disgust in my father's eyes as he talked about our grandfather, Unoka, who was very much as soft-hearted as I.  And then, I started to see that he looked at me the same way, and you do not have a clue how much that hurt me.  I was always afraid of making mistakes and afraid of being a disappointment.  The sadness I had stored inside kept building up with every hurtful word father said to me ...until a miracle came into our lives.  Ikemefuna became like a brother to me.  Do you remember that?  He taught me activities fit for a man as father never had the patience to.  And with my new founded interest, father finally took notice in me.  The bond between him and I grew strong and I could honestly say that I was happy again.  I remember the night he invited Ikemefuna and I into his obi and we just shared tales for hours and hours.  I would kill to live that night once again.  How could father take that away from me?  How could he let them kill Ikemefuna, a brother I never had but loved so dearly?  I cried myself to sleep many nights after, of course making sure father could not hear me.  It was always about trying to impress him and being someone I was not and I just got tired of that.  I no longer felt loved by anyone and I yearned to feel a belonging.  And I guess that is why I became a Christian.  I fit into a community without having to change the person I really am.  I know that you will never understand my motives Ezinma, but you never had father look at you with such hatred.  I have never told you this before but I truly envy you.  I miss home and sometimes I wish that I had never left our family but this fire in me that I have never felt before told me that this is the right thing to do.  I need to find the true me and to fill the curiousity I have within.  I need to know that there is another way out there in this vast world of ours and that the customs we follow with sacrifices and murder is never a solution.  Father had always thought of me as lazy but he does not know of the drive and determination I am capable of.  He does not know me and he never will because I am not going back to him Ezinma.  But don't worry, I will come back for my brothers, sisters, and my mother and I will shed the light upon you as Christianity has done to me.  As for now, you must leave as I have a church service to attend to.  Please take care of yourself and the family.  I will be seeing you soon.