Sometimes in life, the greatest struggle we must overcome is with ourselves. The challenge I faced last year taught me a lot about myself and it tested the strength I had within. As a typical teenage girl, I had many insecurities, especially with my body image. My self-esteem fell low due to the lack of confidence in myself. Growing up, I had a perception of what beauty was and I felt that I was the opposite of that. However, to face this struggle, I realized that in order to be happy, I must be comfortable in my own skin.
The scorching sun glared down, casting a layer of heat over the vibrant striped patio furniture. My classmates' laughter and chatter filled my ears as I walked through the gate of Pauly's backyard. It was only the middle of May but everyone from school already came to conclusion that this was going to be the party of the year. I had anticipated this day since Pauly invited me last month. As I can recall, I had to lean against my locker to keep from collapsing as I took the invitation from Pauly with quivering hands. His blond ruffled hair that fell right above his eyebrows, his defined jaw line, and the row of white pearls he flashed at me on occasion were all factors that made me swoon at the thought of him. Every time he walked past me in the hallways, I would watch his glowing aura in awe as my heart melted and my stomach fluttered. I was still in shock as to why a boy classified as perfect would invite a girl like me. A cold splash of water interrupted my trail of thought as someone jumped into the pool. I quickly looked around for a place to fit in with my outgoing classmates but none was to be found. I have always had a timid personality and it was not easy to communicate with those I did not feel comfortable with. Looking over to the corner beside a ratty blue shed, I noticed Pauly's father cooking on the barbecue. I held my bright pink towel against my body and quickly walked over to grab a freshly grilled hot dog. From the corner of my eye, I noticed a figure jogging towards me and I turned around to face Pauly's award-winning infamous grin. Before I could sheepishly mutter a greeting, his next words made my heart fall to the pit of my stomach.
"Slow down there, turbo. My dad did not buy enough hot dogs to fill that stomach of yours. I'm glad you came though."
With his smile still glued to his face, he did not realize how much his biting words hurt me. The corner of my mouth twitched as I smiled with hesitance. I fought hard to hold back the tears that were forcing themselves to the brim of my eyes. I had never been comfortable with my weight, but it never occurred to me that this boy who had captured my heart would be capable of surfacing such a big insecurity. For the duration of the party, I sat alone on an uncomfortable wooden chair by the gate, trying not to think about Pauly's words nor my growling stomach.
My lifestyle had changed dramatically during the next month. I denied dinner invitations and any other events that required me to eat in front of others. Not even my best friend, Elle noticed that I was starting to eat less and less. I occupied myself at home with chores so I would not have the urge to eat a snack before dinner. I would lie to my parents that I had already eaten so I would be given a smaller portion for dinner. I had let the idea of losing weight take over me. Everything I did during that month was revolved around me controlling my eating habits. All I wanted was for Pauly to compliment me on my new size. I started to feel like a whole different person and I could not recognize the haunting image I would see in my mirror. Even though I was losing weight, I felt beaten down and tired every day from the lack of food I was consuming. Most of my friends had gotten tired of trying to spend time with me. They even stopped bothering to associate with me. Most, except Elle. She came to my house a few times a week with a movie or some magazines. One day, she came without either of them.
Elle and I sat cross legged in front of one another on my bed. I couldn't look her in the eyes but she was staring at me intently. I could tell she knew about my changes by the way she was carefully choosing her words. Then I broke down. I confessed the sickening thoughts that had resided in my mind for the past month. I spilled the harsh words I would tell myself whenever I was tempted to eat more than I had intended. She told me that she was going to be right by my side throughout all my challenges. I appreciated this; however, I knew that the only person who could truly help me get my life back on track, was myself.
The following day, I felt sick to my stomach as my mind churned, thinking of how I let a comment made by an ignorant boy control my life. It was time for my own mind to lead once again.
Reflecting upon that depressing month made me realize the effect criticism can have on my life. In order to prevent this from happening again, I needed to have more confidence in myself. Society shows an image of how they perceive beauty and a lot of women think they must look a certain way in order to be considered as beautiful. However, with this experience, I learned that beauty comes in all sizes. I had a lot of trouble coming to this conclusion because I did not believe in myself. Overcoming my insecurities allowed me to see myself in a different light. No matter how difficult the challenge is, we must face it, even if it is with ourselves.
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